When you mull things over too often, they tend to change their shape. Or maybe not completely change as to adjust to a new or different way of being and meaning. I’ve been thinking about you, about us, more often than usual lately. I’ve come to terms/ an understanding (for myself), with myself as to what these past few years represent for me.
In my time apart from you, I’ve had a chance to berate myself, talk to myself (by way of internal debate if you will), and come to an understanding of sorts. I’ve realised that perhaps my biggest fear was that I loved you too much. That this would represent the grandest form of power a human can have over another- added to my perceived inability to express the things that thrashed about in my heart, body, soul and mind concerning how I feel about you. To sum it up really- I was embarrassed to think I could properly love someone and feared giving the key to my house to someone else.
Either way, I have somewhat grown out of that now. I’ve realised that love may be power but it doesn’t mean it should be bottled away. I’m more comfortable with it now. That said, I’ve also realised in our time apart, that although I can imagine a “forever” with you, I have no idea what it is and it is rather a cruel want. Also, I’ve grown accustomed to the notion that you might be “destined” for another. You might be a lesson that I needed to learn on how to love myself, to love someone else and be able to give of myself without holding back, for which I’m grateful.
I would love time with you, but I’ve come to a point where if you told me that you have found someone who makes your heart sing, who reads your soul and completely gets and complements you- someone who makes you happy- I’d be more than willing to gracefully step aside and let your light shine.
A smart man once said that love, true love, is akin to seeing a flower and instead of picking it up thus killing it, appreciate it as is. Love is not to be possessed but rather enjoyed as is- not destroying the essence of what makes you amazing. That’s what I strive to do, perhaps it’s also why so many years later (because I do not “possess” you) I still find new reasons to remember why I love you. The most important thing for me is that I love you enough to love you from a distance.